One of my biggest fears is public speaking. I absolutely despise it. “Nuh, huh?” you say. “Oh yes!!” I say. I will avoid speaking up in group discussions, meetings, seminars and forget about presentations. I will do anything to not do a presentation. I never explored why and where this anxiety stemmed from I just knew it wasn’t my cup of tea and didn’t really care to explore the root of my fear. Who wants to delve into shadows or closets? Not me. I figured I’d come to terms that it was just a flaw of mine I had to live with, until this past weekend.
At the practicum, we were asked to prepare a 5 minute speech and present it in front of two of our classmates. The professor reviewed the importance of persuasive speech, argument and rhetoric and effective means of communication. You might be wondering, “What’s the big deal? A five minute speech.” Unfortunately, it’s a true agony for me.
To my luck or fluke, I was placed in a group with a Speech teacher, Liesel, and Laura who’s had extensive public speaking experience. This fueled my anxiety knowing I was going to be critiqued by public speaking experts, but thought I could get good feedback. We reviewed the topic, developed three key points, and moved forward into the exercise.
Laura went first and she did great. She was poised, excellent tone, great hand gestures and was on target with the topic. I sat their hating myself for not being a good public speaker. Liesel suggested I go next and my heart started pounding, my hands were clamy, and my throat tightened up. I wanted to crawl into a hole and wait for darkness to fall. I reluctantly took my pink sticky note with my three points and I took the stage. My knees were locked, my voice was shaking, my thoughts were abandoning me and I saw people staring at me. I was horrified! I began to see our professor, Carol, walking towards me. She pulled the pink sticky note from my hand and I lost it. I froze like an icicle on a cold winter night and my emotions overcame me. My eyes welted up and a stream of tears flowed down my cheeks. I couldn’t help but to put my hands over my face and cry like a little 4 year old girl.
God placed these women in my group for a reason. I couldn’t have asked for more as they comforted me and inquired about my anxiety. This fear/anxiety is a shadow of mine. It stems from the fear of not being able to meet other’s expectations and trying to live up to people’s perceptions. There are many other underlying issues, but after this weekend and in particular that experience, I’m committed to identifying the shadows that hinder my development.
In the end, I was given the opportunity to redeem myself. After the intervention with my classmates and Liesel’s great speech, I took the stage once again and got through the 5 minute speech without a pink sticky note, tears and with a smile on my face.
Peace and God Bless!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wadaya Gonna Do With That?!
“Girl, what’s new?! Haven’t heard from you in weeks, how are things?” an old friend says to me over a phone call. “Everything’s good,” I tell her, “I’m back in school doing a doctoral program.”
“A doctorate?! Wadaya gonna do with that!?”
What am I going to do with that? Like it’s a lost puppy or some sort of foreign object. It’s not the first time I get asked this question. What am I going to do with a doctorate? What am I going to do with this education, these skills, this knowledge I’ve chosen to venture into? Well, the first thing I’m going to do is buy a very expensive frame and hang up the $60,000 piece of paper that's for sure.
Secondly, “Hell ya!! I’m gonna have you call me Dr. Ayon!”
That’s the other question I get asked, “So does this mean we’re gonna have to call you Dr.?” Pfftt, give credit where credit is due sista!!
Going back to that question though, what am I going to do with it? Ten years ago, I would’ve excitingly said, “I’m working towards becoming a Dean of Student Services in a community college” or “I’m working towards building a non-profit for foster youth to acquire much needed resources after they emancipate” or some other dream of working for and helping the community. I had a specific career goal and the doctorate was going to help me get there.
I've come to realize that it’s not so much what I’m going to do with it as what it will do for me and my development in the next three years. As living creatures, we learn everyday. We learn how to, what to, when to, where to do things. I feel I’ve been stagnant for the last 8 years and at times I've lost my way. I've reverted to a safe place of just doing and doing it well. Loss of jobs, loss of relationships, and a disillusion of life have contributed to my "just being" state. The "Yes sir!" mentality.
I’ve often revisited my values, my goals, and most importantly my purpose in life whenever the "going got tough." The going is getting tough again in many aspects of my life, and I'm reaching inside and looking within the program for help. One of our first assignments in the program was to choose a song and a symbol. I chose a tree as my symbol and Superwoman from Alicia Keys as my song. The tree symbolizes strength because even through wind, rain, hail, and snow storms, trees continue to stand tall. I’ve weathered my share of storms and I’m still standing (5’9” to be exact). As for the song, take a listen and you'll understand. I would’ve chosen La Chona but I don’t think my old-as-dirt Caucasian professors would understand it and I don't want to translate it.
Ultimately, what am I going to do with it? Well, I know that’s it’s not about the three letters behind your name. It’s about the essence of the person. My desires have always been to help, motivate and inspire young people. Specifially, help those who don't have a voice, those who have been marginalized and left out to dry (I feel like this now). No, you're not going to have to call me Dr., but I hope that in the end I served my purpose in your world.
My question to you is what are YOU going to do? If not you, then who? If not now, then when? How are you continuing to develop yourself for the betterment of your community and those around you? What have you done to leave your mark in this world?
“A doctorate?! Wadaya gonna do with that!?”
What am I going to do with that? Like it’s a lost puppy or some sort of foreign object. It’s not the first time I get asked this question. What am I going to do with a doctorate? What am I going to do with this education, these skills, this knowledge I’ve chosen to venture into? Well, the first thing I’m going to do is buy a very expensive frame and hang up the $60,000 piece of paper that's for sure.
Secondly, “Hell ya!! I’m gonna have you call me Dr. Ayon!”
That’s the other question I get asked, “So does this mean we’re gonna have to call you Dr.?” Pfftt, give credit where credit is due sista!!
Going back to that question though, what am I going to do with it? Ten years ago, I would’ve excitingly said, “I’m working towards becoming a Dean of Student Services in a community college” or “I’m working towards building a non-profit for foster youth to acquire much needed resources after they emancipate” or some other dream of working for and helping the community. I had a specific career goal and the doctorate was going to help me get there.
I've come to realize that it’s not so much what I’m going to do with it as what it will do for me and my development in the next three years. As living creatures, we learn everyday. We learn how to, what to, when to, where to do things. I feel I’ve been stagnant for the last 8 years and at times I've lost my way. I've reverted to a safe place of just doing and doing it well. Loss of jobs, loss of relationships, and a disillusion of life have contributed to my "just being" state. The "Yes sir!" mentality.
I’ve often revisited my values, my goals, and most importantly my purpose in life whenever the "going got tough." The going is getting tough again in many aspects of my life, and I'm reaching inside and looking within the program for help. One of our first assignments in the program was to choose a song and a symbol. I chose a tree as my symbol and Superwoman from Alicia Keys as my song. The tree symbolizes strength because even through wind, rain, hail, and snow storms, trees continue to stand tall. I’ve weathered my share of storms and I’m still standing (5’9” to be exact). As for the song, take a listen and you'll understand. I would’ve chosen La Chona but I don’t think my old-as-dirt Caucasian professors would understand it and I don't want to translate it.
Ultimately, what am I going to do with it? Well, I know that’s it’s not about the three letters behind your name. It’s about the essence of the person. My desires have always been to help, motivate and inspire young people. Specifially, help those who don't have a voice, those who have been marginalized and left out to dry (I feel like this now). No, you're not going to have to call me Dr., but I hope that in the end I served my purpose in your world.
My question to you is what are YOU going to do? If not you, then who? If not now, then when? How are you continuing to develop yourself for the betterment of your community and those around you? What have you done to leave your mark in this world?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"I'm Paying How Much for This Program???"
FIRST PRACTICUM
Where do I start? Let me ask you this…., have you ever attended a conference without reservations? No. I’m not talking about room reservations. I’m speaking more about personal reservations. You know, one of those conferences you voluntarily sign up for because it peaked your interest. The conference is so energizing that it turns out to be the best conference you’ve ever attended. You talk about it to everyone, but no one quite understands the spark of energy it left you. You feel changed as if you went through some religious transformation. Well, this is the best way to express the feelings I had on Sunday evening. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew it would be good. Why? Well, prior graduates had told me.
Starting a college program is difficult for first generation college students and the unknown is our biggest fear. Yes, I was scared prior to enrolling, but I tapped into the experiences of my friends who had finished the program. Everyone I spoke with assured me I was a good candidate for the program and that the program was a good fit for me. It didn’t take much convincing as I’ve always been fascinated with leadership. Soon enough, after registration, the same friends advised me to “trust the process” and to make sure to leave my “title” and “ego” at the door during the practicums.
“Ok,” I thought to myself, “I can ‘trust the process.’ I can leave the ‘title’ and ‘ego’ at the door.” Starting a doctoral program is “ego heavy” and people tend to carry their title on their forehead and boast about their work experiences.
Now, just to remind you, I NEVER wanted to pursue a doctoral program. I was happy with my B.A. in Liberal Studies from (with a heavy voice) “Seeeee SON!!”, but I feel I owe it to my community to continue to develop myself for the benefit of those around me.
On Saturday, I arrived without reservations and without expectations and on Sunday, I left beginning my transformation. I’ve experienced one of the most brilliant and invigorating leadership programs. The professors are old as dirt, but wise as Confucius. We danced, watched movie clips, and gave each other massages. Now that’s my kind of program. I’m paying how much?? They gave us butterflies, soda pop, and Q-tips. "Wait, how much am I paying for this program?" I have 7 assignments to tackle before November 6th. And I keep asking myself “HOW MUCH AM I PAYING?” I guess you can’t put a price on knowledge. It’s really the only investment you take with you when you die.
PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!!
Where do I start? Let me ask you this…., have you ever attended a conference without reservations? No. I’m not talking about room reservations. I’m speaking more about personal reservations. You know, one of those conferences you voluntarily sign up for because it peaked your interest. The conference is so energizing that it turns out to be the best conference you’ve ever attended. You talk about it to everyone, but no one quite understands the spark of energy it left you. You feel changed as if you went through some religious transformation. Well, this is the best way to express the feelings I had on Sunday evening. I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew it would be good. Why? Well, prior graduates had told me.
Starting a college program is difficult for first generation college students and the unknown is our biggest fear. Yes, I was scared prior to enrolling, but I tapped into the experiences of my friends who had finished the program. Everyone I spoke with assured me I was a good candidate for the program and that the program was a good fit for me. It didn’t take much convincing as I’ve always been fascinated with leadership. Soon enough, after registration, the same friends advised me to “trust the process” and to make sure to leave my “title” and “ego” at the door during the practicums.
“Ok,” I thought to myself, “I can ‘trust the process.’ I can leave the ‘title’ and ‘ego’ at the door.” Starting a doctoral program is “ego heavy” and people tend to carry their title on their forehead and boast about their work experiences.
Now, just to remind you, I NEVER wanted to pursue a doctoral program. I was happy with my B.A. in Liberal Studies from (with a heavy voice) “Seeeee SON!!”, but I feel I owe it to my community to continue to develop myself for the benefit of those around me.
On Saturday, I arrived without reservations and without expectations and on Sunday, I left beginning my transformation. I’ve experienced one of the most brilliant and invigorating leadership programs. The professors are old as dirt, but wise as Confucius. We danced, watched movie clips, and gave each other massages. Now that’s my kind of program. I’m paying how much?? They gave us butterflies, soda pop, and Q-tips. "Wait, how much am I paying for this program?" I have 7 assignments to tackle before November 6th. And I keep asking myself “HOW MUCH AM I PAYING?” I guess you can’t put a price on knowledge. It’s really the only investment you take with you when you die.
PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I miss my trapper-keeper!
The crisp smell of freshly cut green grass, red and black football jerseys, brightly lit Friday night lights and the sticky smell of aqua net (the pink and white aerosol bottle was my favorite-EXTRA SUPER HOLD) are all smells and visions that pop into my head like popcorn popping out of Ms. Gaines’ hot air popcorn popper. I remember that popcorn maker sitting on the side cabinet wall, waiting to be used on movie days in 3rd grade. I always longed for my family to have such a concoction. “Palomitas! Yo quiero palomitas ama! La maestra tiene una cosa que hace palomitas!” I think one year I tried to fundraise enough money to get me one of those amazing machines. I don’t remember meeting my quota.
Anyways, these images along with others are mental snapshots that consume my head when I hear the statement “Going Back to School.” Most of the schools in my area are back in session. These include preschools, elementary and secondary schools, colleges and universities. For the most part, I have friends who have children attending some sort of school. I have friends with children starting school for the first time. Pre-school, I never went to pre-school hence my stellar academic ability.
I have friends who have toddlers attending day care for the first time (nervous mommies-too cute). Then there are those with children returning to elementary and high school (talk about juggling schedules if you have them at different schools). Let’s not forget my friends with children leaving the nest to attend college for the first time (more nervous mommies as they remember their college days-you’re paying your dues to your mom now).
I have to highlight the following group “my friends who have decided to go back to school.” I tip my hat to you as I’m learning this is not an easy venture. Sitting next to the Brainy Kid in class can be discouraging, especially when that brainy kid is as young as your child and has the attitude of “Mr. Know-it-all” and it gets even more discouraging when the professor walks in and she’s as young as the next-door neighbor’s daughter only more bohemian looking. Then there’s technology. Yes, I said the “T” word. TE-CHNO-LO-GY!!! It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Search engines, Blackboard, TaskStream, on-line Librarians, Skype…, Technology, you WILL be my best friend.
I miss the days of the trapper-keeper, pee-chee folders, comp books, and playing sticks with pencils. My first practicum is this weekend. Looking forward to an innovative and lively semester. Good luck to all my fellow scholars returning to school. You deserve a pat on the back and much more. Look around your efforts are inspiring in and around your household.
PEACE. LOVE. GOD BLESS!!
Anyways, these images along with others are mental snapshots that consume my head when I hear the statement “Going Back to School.” Most of the schools in my area are back in session. These include preschools, elementary and secondary schools, colleges and universities. For the most part, I have friends who have children attending some sort of school. I have friends with children starting school for the first time. Pre-school, I never went to pre-school hence my stellar academic ability.
I have friends who have toddlers attending day care for the first time (nervous mommies-too cute). Then there are those with children returning to elementary and high school (talk about juggling schedules if you have them at different schools). Let’s not forget my friends with children leaving the nest to attend college for the first time (more nervous mommies as they remember their college days-you’re paying your dues to your mom now).
I have to highlight the following group “my friends who have decided to go back to school.” I tip my hat to you as I’m learning this is not an easy venture. Sitting next to the Brainy Kid in class can be discouraging, especially when that brainy kid is as young as your child and has the attitude of “Mr. Know-it-all” and it gets even more discouraging when the professor walks in and she’s as young as the next-door neighbor’s daughter only more bohemian looking. Then there’s technology. Yes, I said the “T” word. TE-CHNO-LO-GY!!! It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Search engines, Blackboard, TaskStream, on-line Librarians, Skype…, Technology, you WILL be my best friend.
I miss the days of the trapper-keeper, pee-chee folders, comp books, and playing sticks with pencils. My first practicum is this weekend. Looking forward to an innovative and lively semester. Good luck to all my fellow scholars returning to school. You deserve a pat on the back and much more. Look around your efforts are inspiring in and around your household.
PEACE. LOVE. GOD BLESS!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I GOT U!
I survived my program’s orientation on Saturday. All the “BIG WIGS” were there to ease the worries and calm the nerves of some high achievers, the under achievers and yours truly, the middle-of-the-row students.
I arrived a few minutes late and I’ll have to blame Kelly and the Moneymakers. Okay, okay, maybe not them, but my own habits. The night before my old college roommate, Cristela, and I went to Molly Malone’s to catch her fiancée’s gig. I have to say Kelly and the Moneymakers is a kick-ass band featuring Kelly from the 80’s girl group Exposé. Anyways, the bottle of wine at dinner with a couple of drinks at Molly’s made me feel like I could conquer the world. As many of you have experienced, this feeling only lasts a few hours. I was reminded in the early morning hours of how tiny I really am and how BIG the world really is. I was dying for a “Bloody Mary” to ease the trembling fingers and the pounding headache.
To remind you this blog is called the “mis-Adventures of an Ed.Diva” and there’s nothing perfect or saintly about entering a doctoral program and there sure is nothing perfect or saintly about me. I re-learned a valuable lesson on Saturday morning as I was trying my hardest to finish my writing sample. NO ALCOHOL before practicums. I get really excited about hanging with friends that I forget my reasons for visiting the land down under. I finished the writing sample with time to spare and a queasy stomach. All I have to say now is I got you Ed.D. I GOT YOU!
I arrived a few minutes late and I’ll have to blame Kelly and the Moneymakers. Okay, okay, maybe not them, but my own habits. The night before my old college roommate, Cristela, and I went to Molly Malone’s to catch her fiancée’s gig. I have to say Kelly and the Moneymakers is a kick-ass band featuring Kelly from the 80’s girl group Exposé. Anyways, the bottle of wine at dinner with a couple of drinks at Molly’s made me feel like I could conquer the world. As many of you have experienced, this feeling only lasts a few hours. I was reminded in the early morning hours of how tiny I really am and how BIG the world really is. I was dying for a “Bloody Mary” to ease the trembling fingers and the pounding headache.
To remind you this blog is called the “mis-Adventures of an Ed.Diva” and there’s nothing perfect or saintly about entering a doctoral program and there sure is nothing perfect or saintly about me. I re-learned a valuable lesson on Saturday morning as I was trying my hardest to finish my writing sample. NO ALCOHOL before practicums. I get really excited about hanging with friends that I forget my reasons for visiting the land down under. I finished the writing sample with time to spare and a queasy stomach. All I have to say now is I got you Ed.D. I GOT YOU!
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Journey Begins-YIKES!!!
I thought I would start a BLOG journaling my process through this Educational Doctorate which I’m about to embark on tomorrow. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know what is expected of me, but what I can say is I’m “in it to win it.” Or at least “earn it.”
In all honesty, I never imagined I would EVER pursue a doctoral program, simply because of the environment where I grew-up. Expectations are not that high growing up in a small farm town. Heck, you’re lucky if you move out, yet alone attend a college or university. I’ve been blessed to have been surrounded by supportive friends and family members who have encouraged nothing but the best. I’ve had my share of trials, triumphs, challenges, and tribulations, but with the grace of God I continue to land on my feet and move forward.
I don’t know how this BLOG will help, assist, or hinder this Ed.D. process, but I thought I would invite you along this process and I ask that you send me good thoughts, vibes, energy, prayers and/or blessings. I will gladly embrace them all.
PEACE, LOVE and GOD BLESS!
In all honesty, I never imagined I would EVER pursue a doctoral program, simply because of the environment where I grew-up. Expectations are not that high growing up in a small farm town. Heck, you’re lucky if you move out, yet alone attend a college or university. I’ve been blessed to have been surrounded by supportive friends and family members who have encouraged nothing but the best. I’ve had my share of trials, triumphs, challenges, and tribulations, but with the grace of God I continue to land on my feet and move forward.
I don’t know how this BLOG will help, assist, or hinder this Ed.D. process, but I thought I would invite you along this process and I ask that you send me good thoughts, vibes, energy, prayers and/or blessings. I will gladly embrace them all.
PEACE, LOVE and GOD BLESS!
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