I HAD A DREAM...,

No, not the falling one or the running one and I really wish it was the MLK one.   This dream explored my subconscious, as all dreams do, but reminded me that the only one holding me back from pursuing my education is me.

There is no one to blame if I do not finish.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that I was in an elevator with an elevator attendant, and the walls began to close in.  Naturally, I felt out of control.  The elevator attendant looked at me as if it was a regular routine for the elevator walls to close in and crush its patrons.  I remember it vividly with the feelings of fear and being inadequate.

Last night, I had another dream. This time, it wasn’t an elevator closing in on me, but rather one of my professors saying to me, “Maria, what are you doing here? You weren’t suppose to move beyond year one of the program.” She went on to say, “this program is only for smart women who have a family and are important.”

WOW! Dreams like those make me wish I was an insomniac and this is coming from someone who looks forward to her subconscious journeys. I love to sleep. I am not lazy. There is a difference.

Nine days until our November practicum.  Number 8 out of 18, and it doesn’t get any easier.  Fieldwork activities, stats project, review of research methods in a student led group, interviews, journaling, readings, and the list goes on and on and on. Too much for the elevator walls to hold up and thoughts of “am I capable and do I deserve to be here?”

For those going through mid-terms, final exams, quizzes, or approaching deadlines, “You do deserve to be here, and you are capable of finishing.” Reach out to someone and let them know how you are doing. Do not assume they know what you are going through. Do not wait for someone to call you.  Sometimes loved ones will stay away to give you space and time to study.  Do not isolate yourself and put blame on others for not reaching out.

This is my dream and I’m living it consciously. I have control and I will finish. You can too!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS

What if...,

I don’t often question my past. I’d like to say I like living in the moment. You know, enjoying life. The past seems to surface too many bad memories and all the good ones are locked away in a safe place. A place so safe, even my consciousness under the most inhibiting drugs can’t seem to reach them. Recently a friend asked me, “do you ever wonder what you would be doing if you would have gotten married?”

I wasn’t quite sure how to answer. I felt guarded and taken back to a moment in my life that I thought I was at peace with.  A moment I believed I made the right decision. I never quite thought about the “what if?” I answered, “I know I wouldn’t be happy.” A surfaced answer, as I was slowly rewinding to five years ago when I was engaged, unemployed, and unhappy.

It’s what you are suppose to do as a woman. You know, get married, have kids, raise the kids, get old, retire, and live happily ever after. Somewhere in there is feed and dress the husband. It sounds so easy, but as many of you know, it is not.

Early in life, I wanted a family of my own. You know the handsome loving husband, beautiful playful children, and a large house with a big back yard.  As I got older, it became more important to me to have a career. I’m not sure when the change occurred or who instilled the value of a career, but it became the carrot on a stick I would chase for nearly 25 years now. 

You see even when you reach your most ultimate goal, there is more climbing to do. The easy part is getting there, the hardest part is staying there.  This applies to all aspects of life; your health, relationships, promotions, education, career, etc.  

As for my friend’s question, I can only speculate where I would be or what I would be doing.  My guess would be I’d be a mother with one or two kids and in an unhappy marriage.  Or maybe I’d be in a long engagement with three or four kids. I really wouldn’t be able to tell you what if?

Leads me to ask myself, what if I didn’t start this program a year ago. I know I wouldn’t have met wonderful people including my professors and classmates. I wouldn’t be preparing for a statistics project, research project, writing field notes and fieldwork activities. I wouldn’t be journaling, reading about research design, discussing research topics, and wondering how my research will affect others.

Don’t get me wrong it is not easy getting out of bed and knowing the above listed is my priority, but this is the path and journey I have chosen and I intend to stay there. Remember the easy part is getting there, the hardest part is staying there. Your list is not any better or worse than my list. Be proud of it and work hard for it!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!