No Uvas!!

I grew up in McFarland, the eastside of town, where cancer clusters formed because of the agricultural pesticides.  A tiny town, very close to other small tiny towns, likes Delano and Wasco and Pond. I grew up in a town made up of farmworkers.  My parents were farmworkers. I was a farmworker, my siblings were farmworkers. My friends were farmworkers and their parents were farmworkers.

I was born during the middle of the farmworkers movement when Cesar Chavez was a household name and UFW street processions were avenues of awareness. News coverage of the injustices did not tell the full story of the ill-treatment, beatings, and killings of farmworkers. To some of our own people, Cesar Chavez was a rebel and needed to succumb to avoid making our people look bad. To others, he was the voice we desperately needed.  Growing up in this dichotomy was difficult as a child. I would ask questions to my dad and he didn’t have an answer. Why are they parading down the street? What are they saying? Why are they saying that? What is going on? Why would people do that? The innocence of a child living in a seemingly perfect world was being transformed.

I remember the school yard exchanges during Cesar’s fasts, “my dad says he’s going to die, because they don’t care about him,”.., “my dad says he should just eat the grapes,”.., “my mom makes me pray for him so he can eat,”.., “why is he doing that?”.., “my mom says so they can get paid more.”

I reflect on those moments, those exchanges, and the lack of awareness. It is somewhat shameful, but it reminds me that it is up to us to become informed on issues affecting our community. It is up to us to tell our stories. It is up to us to educate our children and teach them right from wrong. To remind them where they come from and guide them to a brighter future using the values of respect, advocacy, and compassion.  

The story of Cesar Chavez is a story of courage and love for our community. In my opinion, Chavez was a great leader in our community. He embodied our values, spoke them, lived them, and acted on them. This is our time to support him and his family. To share your father, grandfather, uncle, brother, and husband with the world is not easy.  Thank you Chavez family for sharing him and thank you Cesar for sacrificing your health and ultimately your life for us.

Peace, Love and God Bless! 

My Speech..,

Que significa un doctorado? Para mi un doctorado significa que nuestra lucha apenas a comenzado. Mi lucha apenas a comenzado porque este doctorado no puede significar lo que la sociedad quiere que signifique hasta que todos los sonadores “THE DREAMERS” puedan lograr lo que yo he logrado este dia.

Este doctorado no me pertenece a mi sino a mi comunidad. Es de las mijas y los mijos que llegaron a este país desde infancia con sus padres para una vida mejor. Los sonadores quieren estudiar, quieren aprender, quieren contribuir a este país, que es el único país que conocen. Este doctorado significa que SI SE PUEDE. Significa una estadística positiva para mi comunidad. Perseguí un sueno. Es tiempo que los sonadores también perseguían su sueno.    

What does this doctorate mean to me? For me, this doctorate degree means that my struggle has just begun. My struggle has just begun because this doctorate does not mean what society wants it to mean until all "THE DREAMERS" can achieve what I have achieved today.

This doctorate degree does not belong to me, but to my community. It belongs to the “mijas” and “mijos” who arrived in this country from childhood with their parents for a life better. THE DREAMERS want to study, want to learn, want to contribute to this country, which is the only country they know. This doctorate means YES YOU CAN. It means a positive statistic among my community. I pursued a dream. It is time for the dreamers to pursue their dreams. 

Latin Style Graduation

Saturday, May 18, 2013

I celebrated my graduation today Latino Style, a lo Chicano, a lo Mexicano--con una bendicion, el Mariachi, and yes, I even ended it with a ride in a cop car with my mom and my neighbor (tell you about that later). Yup that’s how we do it!!

I celebrated my graduation with my community, my family, my friends, and my mentors. I appreciate everyone who was with me physically and in spirit. You made this day so special for me. I felt so accomplished. I felt so loved. I felt I wasn’t alone through this journey. I felt so proud, but not proud of me or my accomplishment, but instead proud of my Chicano community, my Raza, my people.

You see, today I added another number to the numbers. I added another female to the numbers. I added another Chicana to the numbers. A different kind of statistic, though. A different kind of number that is.  A number so small compared to the other numbers.

I did it!!  Yes, I did.  I mean, I did all the work and sure it wasn’t easy.  Papers, group projects, webinars, readings, and the beautiful dissertation (it really is beautiful, not just because I wrote it).

Yes, the work I did, but I didn’t do IT alone. You see in this world great accomplishments are not carried out alone. God made us to live together among each other to learn from one another. I learned so much through my journey and it was not all academic.  God paints a beautiful picture for us everyday of our lives. It is up to us to choose the lens by which we wish to view the picture of our life.

A perfect example, the cop car-ride we took today.  On our way home from the graduation ceremony, something popped in the engine. At first we thought it was a flat, but as we pulled alongside the road and examined and re-examined the engine, we learned a spark plug had cracked in half and blown out.  Luckily, my neighbor, Sylvia, was with my mom and I because I do not know diddly squat about engines. Sylvia is a Jack of all Trades. I love her.

Low and behold a CHP comes and rescues three damsels in distress.  He calls a tow truck to haul my mom’s car 6 miles.  Hence, the cop car-ride. Getting my mom in the cop car was quite an adventure in itself.

Sure, the tow truck was overpriced and it sure wasn’t how I would have wanted to spend the afternoon of my graduation, however, everyone involved made the best of it; my mom, Sylvia, the 2 CHiPies, 2 tow truck guys, the guys at the auto parts store, and George. George was our angel sent from God to help us change the spark plug. We made it home safely six hours later and $250 under. 

You see it’s all about perspective and believing and accepting God's plan. 

PEACE, LOVE and GOD BLESS!!  

The Manzano Effect..,

The Latino Graduation was this past weekend and I had the honor to be the co-MC. What an inspiring and motivating event to get me through the last weeks of year two. As the many students thanked their families, friends, and mentors, a dear friend and mentor came to mind.  I wondered,  “I’m not sure where I would be or what I would be doing if it wasn’t for Florentino ‘Tatu’ ‘Tino’ Manzano.”

You see, Tatu gave me my first job at CSUN as a work-study student.  There are a few life-changing events one remembers in full detail.  The work-study job fair is one of those for me.

It was an early August morning when my father and I left McFarland for CSUN. It was extremely important for me to have a job at CSUN before I started classes. I didn’t want to burden my parents with the thought of having to provide for me while I was away at school. I wanted to financially do this on my own. 

I remember what my dad was wearing and the pink and black flowery dress I was wearing. I remember the smell of the morning air and the long drive in my family’s brown Plymouth car. My dad drove while I went over my resume and worked on my jitters.

As we arrived at CSUN, I remember my dad wishing me “suerte hija” and I gave him a hug for being so supportive. I could see the pride in his eyes as we walked through the breeze-way of the Music Building. His thoughts, “my daughter is going to college”; my thoughts “I need a job.”

I walked around the many tables staffed by University employees with hundreds of other students.  They too were on a search for their perfect student job. I made 3 afternoon appointments for interviews. The office of Arts Educational Equity Program was one of them.

I interviewed with Tatu and obviously I landed the job. Not sure what tugged at his heart-strings to hire me, maybe it was because he met my dad that afternoon, or maybe it was because Oxnard is not that much different from McFarland (Tatu was from Oxnard). However, he gave me an opportunity and I am forever grateful an indebted to him.

You may say, “it was just a job” but it wasn’t just a job.  It became my home away from home.  Tino and Ludim (Tatu’s wife) became my parents, Denise (administrative assistant) and Neida (student worker) were my sisters, and Manny (student worker) became my brother.  Many more brothers and sisters would come into the picture and later Tio's and Tia's would be included. Many who are still close friends.

You see, Tino and Ludim invited us all into their home and their lives.  Their doors were always open, their hands were always reaching, their hearts always willing. It was not only a family, but also an academically nurturing and supporting home. Those who experienced it will understand. I have not experienced this anywhere else and I have worked and lived in many places.  As I cross paths with my brothers and sisters there is a bond. I call it the Manzano (Tino and Ludim) Effect. A common thread that binds us; embedded in our fabric of life. This string cannot be broken.  It brings out the best in us and gives us joy, hope, motivation, and inspiration. It will forever be a special moment in my life.

This blog can’t begin to describe my gratitude for Tatu.  My father entrusted my well being to you 20 years ago and you continue to shape my life in my everyday decisions as a leader.  As I MC’d the Latino Graduation Celebration, and as the graduates were thanking their families, friends, and mentors, I couldn’t help but to think where would I be without Tatu. Tatu, you continue to be a big part of my life for so many reasons. I want to wish you a very Happy Early Birthday!! 

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!!!

Everyone has a story to tell..,

An excerpt from my Leadership Autobiography.

I was born to Mexican immigrants in Wasco, CA in 1974. My earliest memory of my life is from around the age of three. I remember sitting in a high chair in a small, dingy kitchen eating breakfast with my father and five-year-old sister. My mom was standing over the stove making homemade tortillas and handing them to my father freshly off the hot comal, a flat-iron grill used mainly in Latin America to warm up tortillas and other food. 

Reflecting on this image brings feelings of sadness and despair, because the little girl sitting in the high chair didn’t know the crucibles she would confront in life. Although, she would enjoy her moments of triumph, she would battle an immense number of obstacles and endure pain, agony, fear, and at times, defeat. My earliest memory sets the stage for my life journey and the various small journeys upon which I’ve embarked. These same small journeys, trials and triumphs, have molded me to become the person I am today. My inner soul, my essence, and my values derive from these small journeys.

 I was fortunate to have experienced a positive childhood and adolescence. My parents owned a home. My siblings and I grew up with both parents. My father, a farm laborer, was the sole provider. My mother, due to a disability, couldn’t work and stayed home. The town, McFarland, had a population of 7,000.  My father ensured we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. In my family, education was considered a privilege and not expected. Although my parents wanted the best for us, their aspirations were for us were to be honest, kind to others, and good citizens. 

My first small journey I can recall is following through to attend college. As a high school student, I did well academically and laid low under the radar. I challenged myself to do well academically so that I could play sports (e.g., volleyball, basketball, tennis). There was no other motivation to do well in school except for extrinsic motivations.  These motivations and discipline paved the road to college.

During my senior year, Marco de la Garza, a CSU, Northridge recruiter, gave a college presentation. I was fascinated with how he spoke about his college experience, college life, and the liberties and responsibilities of going to college. This was my first exposure to higher education. 

As he spoke energetically about his experience, I knew I wanted something different for my life, beyond what I and my family had experienced. I respected the work my father did, but as I labored in the fields and packing sheds, something inside me told me I didn’t want this life for myself. 

Two months earlier, during the summer months, as I packed apples in a fruit shed, a rancher came up to me and stood two inches from my face and began to scream and yell at me, saying how I was “mishandling his apples.” I was deeply humiliated and embarrassed. The whole plant stopped to watch the rancher berate me as I stood frozen and scared with tears running down my face. I thought I would lose my job but only before dying of humiliation. 

The floor manager removed the rancher from the shed, but the damage was done. As I cleaned myself up in the bathroom, I remember telling myself, “What he did was not right. People need to be respected.” As I got home, I shamefully told my father of the incident. He was so supportive and asked me if I wanted to file a formal complaint.  I agreed and he went with me for support.  As I filled out the paperwork at the company office, I remember thinking, “There is more to this world than just this.” 

I’d heard of many stories of laborers being humiliated and embarrassed. In that instance, I knew this wasn’t the life I wanted to live and I vowed to never put myself in a similar situation, yet alone humiliate another human being.

Marco de la Garza’s words and experiences about the possibility of attending college made an unattainable dream feel like a reachable goal. I knew I wanted something better for myself and the only way to accomplish it was to get a college education. After his presentation, I told myself, “I will attend college.” Marco de la Garza was instrumental in getting me out of a town where dreams are merely dreams. I knew there was something else out there for me, and I was determined to find it.  

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!

Where's my rally monkey!!!

I am lacking motivation. I wish there was a pill you could pop to fill you with energy to write, read, understand and make sense of everything.  (screaming) I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT anymooooooooooore!!

Ok. That felt good. I just had to hear myself say it, pull some hair out, and break a few dishes. I take it back. I do want to do this, but there is a small voice in my head questioning my motives and another little bug sucking the energy out of me.  I need to burn some sage and get a limpia to cleanse my soul of bad energy.

Our January practicum is a few days away, marking our half-way point.  The last year and a half has flown by and I can just imagine this next year and a half will go by even quicker. I am anxious to see the finish line --- impossible at this point!! 

I should know this being a half marathon runner.  Mile 6 is usually when I get my first sip of water and gel shot.  The half way mark means nothing to me except I need to run another arduous 6 miles to finish.  Right around mile 8 I begin to ask myself, “Why did I sign up for this? This was a stupid idea!”  Then around mile 10 I say, “No turning back and don’t slow down! What were you thinking signing up to run 13.1 miles?!” I beat myself up psychologically the last 6 miles.

I’m taking my sip of water and my gel shot and continuing this journey.  The easy part was starting this program the difficult part will be following through and finishing.  I am having feelings of anxiety and pressure. 

I am anxious and pressured to get this done and I have to remind myself I am in control of this journey. There is no need for anxiety and no need to feel pressured.  There is no need to beat myself up psychologically.

I have a concept paper to write, a spring research project to look forward to and all I can think about is I wish I were in Hawaii with a mai tai in hand, Hawaiian music in the background, and time stood still around the sunset.

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!! 

I HAD A DREAM...,

No, not the falling one or the running one and I really wish it was the MLK one.   This dream explored my subconscious, as all dreams do, but reminded me that the only one holding me back from pursuing my education is me.

There is no one to blame if I do not finish.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that I was in an elevator with an elevator attendant, and the walls began to close in.  Naturally, I felt out of control.  The elevator attendant looked at me as if it was a regular routine for the elevator walls to close in and crush its patrons.  I remember it vividly with the feelings of fear and being inadequate.

Last night, I had another dream. This time, it wasn’t an elevator closing in on me, but rather one of my professors saying to me, “Maria, what are you doing here? You weren’t suppose to move beyond year one of the program.” She went on to say, “this program is only for smart women who have a family and are important.”

WOW! Dreams like those make me wish I was an insomniac and this is coming from someone who looks forward to her subconscious journeys. I love to sleep. I am not lazy. There is a difference.

Nine days until our November practicum.  Number 8 out of 18, and it doesn’t get any easier.  Fieldwork activities, stats project, review of research methods in a student led group, interviews, journaling, readings, and the list goes on and on and on. Too much for the elevator walls to hold up and thoughts of “am I capable and do I deserve to be here?”

For those going through mid-terms, final exams, quizzes, or approaching deadlines, “You do deserve to be here, and you are capable of finishing.” Reach out to someone and let them know how you are doing. Do not assume they know what you are going through. Do not wait for someone to call you.  Sometimes loved ones will stay away to give you space and time to study.  Do not isolate yourself and put blame on others for not reaching out.

This is my dream and I’m living it consciously. I have control and I will finish. You can too!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS