I HAD A DREAM...,

No, not the falling one or the running one and I really wish it was the MLK one.   This dream explored my subconscious, as all dreams do, but reminded me that the only one holding me back from pursuing my education is me.

There is no one to blame if I do not finish.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that I was in an elevator with an elevator attendant, and the walls began to close in.  Naturally, I felt out of control.  The elevator attendant looked at me as if it was a regular routine for the elevator walls to close in and crush its patrons.  I remember it vividly with the feelings of fear and being inadequate.

Last night, I had another dream. This time, it wasn’t an elevator closing in on me, but rather one of my professors saying to me, “Maria, what are you doing here? You weren’t suppose to move beyond year one of the program.” She went on to say, “this program is only for smart women who have a family and are important.”

WOW! Dreams like those make me wish I was an insomniac and this is coming from someone who looks forward to her subconscious journeys. I love to sleep. I am not lazy. There is a difference.

Nine days until our November practicum.  Number 8 out of 18, and it doesn’t get any easier.  Fieldwork activities, stats project, review of research methods in a student led group, interviews, journaling, readings, and the list goes on and on and on. Too much for the elevator walls to hold up and thoughts of “am I capable and do I deserve to be here?”

For those going through mid-terms, final exams, quizzes, or approaching deadlines, “You do deserve to be here, and you are capable of finishing.” Reach out to someone and let them know how you are doing. Do not assume they know what you are going through. Do not wait for someone to call you.  Sometimes loved ones will stay away to give you space and time to study.  Do not isolate yourself and put blame on others for not reaching out.

This is my dream and I’m living it consciously. I have control and I will finish. You can too!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS

What if...,

I don’t often question my past. I’d like to say I like living in the moment. You know, enjoying life. The past seems to surface too many bad memories and all the good ones are locked away in a safe place. A place so safe, even my consciousness under the most inhibiting drugs can’t seem to reach them. Recently a friend asked me, “do you ever wonder what you would be doing if you would have gotten married?”

I wasn’t quite sure how to answer. I felt guarded and taken back to a moment in my life that I thought I was at peace with.  A moment I believed I made the right decision. I never quite thought about the “what if?” I answered, “I know I wouldn’t be happy.” A surfaced answer, as I was slowly rewinding to five years ago when I was engaged, unemployed, and unhappy.

It’s what you are suppose to do as a woman. You know, get married, have kids, raise the kids, get old, retire, and live happily ever after. Somewhere in there is feed and dress the husband. It sounds so easy, but as many of you know, it is not.

Early in life, I wanted a family of my own. You know the handsome loving husband, beautiful playful children, and a large house with a big back yard.  As I got older, it became more important to me to have a career. I’m not sure when the change occurred or who instilled the value of a career, but it became the carrot on a stick I would chase for nearly 25 years now. 

You see even when you reach your most ultimate goal, there is more climbing to do. The easy part is getting there, the hardest part is staying there.  This applies to all aspects of life; your health, relationships, promotions, education, career, etc.  

As for my friend’s question, I can only speculate where I would be or what I would be doing.  My guess would be I’d be a mother with one or two kids and in an unhappy marriage.  Or maybe I’d be in a long engagement with three or four kids. I really wouldn’t be able to tell you what if?

Leads me to ask myself, what if I didn’t start this program a year ago. I know I wouldn’t have met wonderful people including my professors and classmates. I wouldn’t be preparing for a statistics project, research project, writing field notes and fieldwork activities. I wouldn’t be journaling, reading about research design, discussing research topics, and wondering how my research will affect others.

Don’t get me wrong it is not easy getting out of bed and knowing the above listed is my priority, but this is the path and journey I have chosen and I intend to stay there. Remember the easy part is getting there, the hardest part is staying there. Your list is not any better or worse than my list. Be proud of it and work hard for it!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS!

Dear Fellow Classmates:

You will cry.

You will stress.

You will procrastinate.

You will doubt yourself.

You will question your academic ability.

You will wonder why you decided to pursue this program.

You will miss important parties, gatherings, and family celebrations.

You will use this program as an excuse to get out of parties, gatherings, and family celebrations.

You will use this program to change your being and become the person you longed to be.

You will slowly discover your darkest shadows and become one with them.

You will marvel at the process happening before your very own eyes.

You will be in awe at what you have learned about yourself.

You will amaze others with your learnings.

You will experience “aha” moments.

You will slowly transform.

You will dance.

You will learn.

You will lead.

You will cry.

You will need to experience it for yourself and when you do, make sure to share it with someone else. I am here because of one person who saw the determination in my eyes and my desire to continue to learn. She not only opened a door for me, but she extended her hand and with a firm grip guided me along. It is now my turn. I extend my hand to you. The choice is yours. Take it and I promise to pull you through, but only if you promise to hold on strong. I can’t promise it will be easy, but to see the layers peel away slowly and see your potential, self-worth, and determination is all worth it.

Best of luck and I invite you to contact me if you feel you are stuck, jammed, wedged, stressed, overwhelmed or you want to share your “aha” moments. Just wait for them. They are exceptional!!

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS,

Maria Ayon, First Year Transformer (because it’s not about surviving, but transforming)

Meet my dad, Salvador Retamoza Ayon...,

“Ya llego tu papa….,” my mom would say to us when my dad’s yellow truck would begin to approach the driveway.

“Aaaapaaaa!!..... daaaaad!” my three other siblings and I would yell as we ran to the truck to hug, jump, and crawl on him like a nest of sugar ants would attack a cookie crumb. It was what we did every late afternoon as he finished a long day in the hot, suffocating, dry farm fields. It was probably the last thing he wanted; four kids fighting for his affection, but he never let us know.

“Epa! Epa!!” He would say and grab the brown paper bags filled with groceries, surprising us with “dum dum pops” from his shirt pocket probably to get us off his legs and his back. We would swarm around him, tearing our wrappers off the lollipops following him to front door and into the house.

My dad was the best dad anyone could ever want. He was kind, caring, loving, generous, affectionate, and if anyone was missing a 150 pounds of gold it was because my dad was carrying it in his heart. My dad was all heart.

He was a proud father. He was compassionate with us no matter the mess we got into. He tried his best to give us the best life he could with the knowledge and life experience he knew best.

He made the best carne con verduras, machaca, torta de huevo, and chorizo con huevo. He took us to Disneyland, Magic Mountain, and the Fresno Zoo even though we didn’t know they existed. He took us to the scorching fields to work, not because we had to, but because we begged him to.

He was an amazing storyteller. My favorite was the one when he sneaked into a church, dressed-up as a priest, and married a young couple.

He grew the best vegetable garden in town; savory onions, red cherry tomatoes, hot spicy peppers, tasty calabasas, aromatic cilantro, and one time even yellow corn. He loved to bbq carne asada and enjoyed a couple of beers (Bud-light was his choice), with cucumbers and aguacate con sal y limon.

He walked Cesar Chavez’s funeral procession because he knew the goodness of a person’s soul. He cried when a young life was taken away by unforeseen circumstances. He laughed when someone fell victim to one of his practical jokes.

He religiously watched Chespirito, hogar dulce hogar, y noticero 21. On occasion a novela would catch his attention. “No qualcuier chingadera,” he would say.

We’d talk about the weather, Bush, Clinton, or Reagan, and the latest news. He always asked about how my friends and their families were doing.

He lived to be 78 years old. He was wise, experienced, and humble. He lived through many social movements, wars, and the rise of technology. He was right about so many things, “les voy hacer mucha falta cuando me vaya.”

He’s right. Me haces mucha falta. Mucha mucha falta.

My Apa was the best father ever. I have his smile, his legs, his boyish figure. I cook like him, come up with nicknames for people, and tend to my flowers like he tended his vegetable garden. Thank you for being the best dad you knew how to be. Thank you for loving us unconditionally. Thank you for your words of wisdom that I miss so much. Te quiero mucho y lo hecho de menos. I love you dad and I miss you so much.

I am because you were.

Peace, Love, and God Bless!

A Ph.D. in Awesomeness.., sign me up!!

It’s about that time again. The time when the days turn into hours that turn into minutes that turn into seconds. Yes, just about that time again.

The time when I begin to hit the alcohol bottle to avoid my own discomfort, pain, loneliness, and the number one reason-SCHOOL PROJECTS!!

Research, case studies, and reflective papers along with a video collage and presentation are due in the next couple of weeks.

As I continue to meet people in this journey of life, they are intrigued at the fact that I don’t have children and I’m not married. I turned 37 last month, on my way to 38. The idea of pursuing a doctoral degree fascinates people. “It’s no big thing,” I tell them. They will ask, “Why?” I will respond shrugging my shoulders, “Because I can.”

It’s a lonely road. My friends still wonder and ask, “Why are you doing this again? How much more awesome can you get?” I reply, “I didn’t know I was awesome!!!”

If you know me, it’s not about being awesome. I guess if you grew up seeing what I saw, experiencing what I’ve experienced, you would do the same. I guess if you weren’t married and had no children you would do the same. Oh wait....., we are cut from the same fabric!! Hello!?

All seriousness though, I’m doing it because…., I can.

I’m doing it for the girl who at age 13 found out she was pregnant and dropped out of school.

I’m doing it for the girl who joined a gang for emotional support and was never let out without fearing for her life.

I’m doing it for the girl who was put into foster care at an early age and the system failed her.

I’m doing it for the girl who all she ever wanted was to get married and have children and found out it’s not as fulfilling as she thought it was going to be.

I’m doing it for the girl who was drugged, raped, and left to die.

I’m doing it for the girl who all she wanted was to live her dreams.

I’m doing it for the girl who came to this country at age 2 and is still un-documented and can’t continue her education.

I’m doing it for the girl who goes to school everyday with the desire to learn and be a better student, sister, daughter, mother, friend, and neighbor.

I’m doing it because I can. Because I have a critical mind, I have my health, I am conscious and mobile.

So enough of this and it’s time to get cracking with these papers and projects. There are a whole lot of “mija’s” I’m doing this for and I surely don’t want to disappoint.

PEACE and GOD BLESS!!

He's no thug, he's no gangsta, he's a lyrical artist lighting up the shadows of darkness

Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr. (born March 13, 1972), better known by his stage name Common, is a hip hop artist.

“I woke up with the sunshine.
A sunshine I had never seen.
There was light at the end of it.
Reminded me to forever dream.
I was dreaming I walked into the White House.
With love on my sleeve.
And love for each and every one of you.
Reminding you to believe.
These are the words of a believer achiever.
Leader of the globe, feed the souls of those in need.
I bleed the blood of the struggle.
Walking over troubled puddles.
The hustle is in my chest.
No hustle no progress.
Extremities of life in this process.
The birth of a son.
The death of another.
With love I caress both mothers.
And told ‘em whose in control is the one that’s above is.
I walk where money talks and love stutters.
The body language of a nation.
Going though changes.
The young become dangerous.
Spent into anger.
Anger gets sent through the chamber.
It’s tough when your own look like strangers.
We are the sons of gangsters and stone rangers.
If he could how would Ernie Barnes paint us?
Look at the picture.
It’s hard not to blame us.
But time forgives in the shy where the young die often.
Do they end up in a coffin because we haven’t taught them?
Is it what we talkin’, we really ain't walking.
Dudes, hustlers, paid.
How much did it cost them?
I find myself on the same corner that we lost them.
Real talkin’ in their ear like a walkman.
My thoughts been around the corner to the world.
So when I see them I see my baby girl.
The Lord lives among us.
The youngest hunger, recover.
Means to get it by anyways necessary under pressure.
Children feeling lesser with the spill upon the dresser.
Killer, willer aggressors.
Destiny’s children, survivors, soldiers.
In front of buildings their eyes look older.
It’s hard to see blessings in a violent culture.
Face against rappings.
Sirens holsters – that ‘aint the way that Langston Hughes wrote us.
So controllers on the shoulders of Moses.
And Noah.
We go from being precious to Oprah.
Cultivated to overcome.
Ever since we came over.
Seize the day in the way that you can see the determined.
The soul that keeps burning.
Shorty’s know to keep learning.
Lessons in my life are like stripes that we earning.
I took Grant’s advice that Christ is returning.
Like a thief in the night.
I write for beacons of light.
For those of us in dark alleys and park valleys.
Street hits spark valleys of the conscience.
Conquerors of a contest .
Even the unseen know that God watches.
For one King’s dream he was able to Barack us.
One King’s dream he was able to Barack us.
One King’s dream he was able to Barack us."

Take a moment for these words to resonate. To enter your soul. One line or two.

PEACE, LOVE, and GOD BLESS

Whoa, whoa, whoa feelings!!

Have you ever asked yourself who you really are? Well, we’ve been taking different assessments in my program. These assessments are suppose to help us understand our being. The goal is to get to the true essence of our soul and to fully understand what makes us happy, sad, upset, frustrated, annoyed, mad, angry, AND why we feel what we feel. You know, that annoying root of the true feeling.

For example take this water cooler conversation I had with a colleague:

“They’re just rude!”

Ok, but how are they rude?

“They don’t acknowledge me when I walk in the office! That’s rude!”

When they don’t acknowledge you when you walk in the office how does that make you feel?

“It''s not about what I feel it’s just that THAT is rude behavior! Don’t you think?”

Maybe they’re in an intense conversation.

“Well maybe, but they should at least say hi.”

If they said hi to you would you still think they are rude?

“Well, not really. I just feel they ignore me.”

So you feel ignored when people don’t acknowledge you?

“Yes.” (ding! ding! ding!! I wanted to say this sooooo bad)

If they acknowledged you and said hi to you would you still consider them rude?

“Well, not too much.”

What else would make the situation better?

“Just saying hi and include me in their conversation.”

The conversation continued, but ultimately my colleague had a need that was not being fulfilled. She dismissed her feelings and pointed the finger at the other two people for her own discomfort.

How many times does this happen to us in our everyday life? How many times do we blame others for our unhappiness or our discomfort? I’m not immune and have done this myself.

I remember being so unhappy with life and blaming others for my unhappiness. I was notorious for saying, “If only (name) would be more (adjective) towards me, my life would be so much better.”

I was allowing my future to be controlled by others. This isn’t the case anymore. Thank God!! The assessments have really opened my eyes to who I really am BUT most importantly I understand the root of my feelings. Roots that go waaaaaayyy back to when I was young. I can’t do anything about the past, but I can do something about the “RIGHT NOW” and take control of my being by acknowledging my feelings and understanding where does it stem from.

This is not an easy process. It takes commitment to being honest with yourself, lots of reflection, and so much more prayer.

I pray everyday to God to guide me along this journey. I’m grateful to Him for allowing me to feel the peace in my heart. This is the feeling I strive for everyday in my life.

PEACE, LOVE and GOD BLESS!!

Meet my friends Self-doubt and Binge Eater...,

Ever had a bad day? Ever had a bad week? Month? Year? Life? Eh, shake it off and keep going. Why? Because this is the only day, week, month, year and life you will ever have. Can it be any worse than what a man named Jesus lived on his last day? Or what his mother had to so helplessly see near the sidelines. Only a few can relate, but we all have bad days.

I had a bad a day few days ago. It went a little like this:

9:00am I call my friend to see if she is ready for our 5K run. “My son is in the hospital. We’re not sure what’s wrong. They are running a number of tests.”

9:30am Student at work sends me an email. It reads something like this “My husband has been diagnosed with cancer. I need to drop my classes. Is it possible to get a refund? We can’t afford to pay the out of pocket fees.”

10:30am My professor emails me and tells me I have to rewrite one of my papers. All I can conceptualize from his email, “YOUR WRITING SUCKS!” “THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!” “REDO, REDO, REDO!!”

11:00am I close my office door and I cry my eyeballs out. Self-doubt pays me a visit.

11:30am I email my classmates to ask for their assistance. They provide me with encouragement and positive feedback. I feel a little better. I show Self-doubt to the door.

12Noon My thoughts, “Must be a sign to not go to the southland. I might as well plan for another weekend alone with my computer, books, and notes. I hate this program!!!”

2:00pm My supervisor says the student can’t get a refund and I have to break the news to her. I feel like an ass!!

3:30pm Another email from my professor.

Professor: “I haven’t received your powerpoint presentation for tonights’s webinar.”

Me: “We aren’t scheduled to present until next week.”

Professor: “You both signed yourselves up for tonight’s presentation and tonight is the last webinar for this series. Send me your presentation ASAP.”

After checking the calendar and my dates he is RIGHT!!! SHEEEEEZZZOOOOO!! I haven’t even read the book yet!!!

3:31pm I close my office door and cry my eyeballs out. Pinche Self-doubt! She didn't even knock this time.

3:35pm I rush home for my notes and book.

4:00pm Get home. I have two hours to prepare for the presentation over a big piece of chocolate cake, pickles, blue cheese stuffed olives, chocolate chip cookies and soda. Self-doubt and her friend Binge Eater follow me home.

6:00pm Presentations last for two hours. Shaky voice and all I get through it. Go home Self-doubt and take your friend Binge Eater with you!!

8:00pm Open a bottle of wine and soak my sorrows.

Yes. I know what your thinking. Not as bad as what Jesus or his mother went through, or even what my friend or the student are dealing with. I agree. Tomorrow is a new day. Self-doubt and Binge Eater please stay away!!!

Listen to your fan base...,

His name is Bryan Stow. A father of two. Only 42 years old. A paramedic. A fan of baseball. A fan of the San Francisco Giants. “Go Giants!” I presume he would say. “Daddy loves you,” he might tell his children. “You’re going to be ok. Hang in there!” he might tell a victim. I don’t know Brian Stow, but this has struck something in my inner core that I can’t continue to ignore.

The Dodger’s organization believes hiring an experienced police chief might solve the problem. NO! Wait, smaller sizes of beer will do it and let’s empty their wallets while we’re at it. How about letting the police carry their guns into the stadium? YES! That will deter crime. Sure, let’s scare the wits out of them with our guns, it might stop drunks from urinating and fornicating in lawns of local residents. Seriously?! Seriously.

I’m worried about the 10-year old boy who was with those two cowards. He saw something horrific on Opening Day. How is he coping? How will this incident play out in his life?

I’m disgusted with Dodger executives, top management and ownership. The reward to find these cowards is only at $50K. This happened on your territory. Take responsibility and do something more than just contribute $25K to the reward. What a great opportunity to hire an overpriced police chief, downgrade the size of beer and overprice it while you’re at it.

Psst.., come here. Let me tell you something. It is not the beer. It is the way the organization is screwing over its fan base.

The days of taking the family out to an MLB game for under $40 are long gone. It would be nice to pay $5 for parking, $2 Dodger Dogs, $1 sodas, $6 tickets. Going to a game now is an adult outing, “Save your money people cuz we need beer money and after a long work day don’t get in my way!!” “ANGELS SUCK!” “BOSTON SUCKS!” “….and my balls are bigger than yours!!!” Figure it out and listen to your fan base.

It’s time to give back the Dodgers to its community..., to its true fan base. Those who followed them when Valenzuela pitched, Kirk Gibson was out left, and Steve Sax was on second. Those who know baseball and understand the game. It is not a place to go get drunk and hook-up with the hottie in section 34 row F seat 5. It is not a place to size anyone up. It is our national past time and we want it back.

I’m worried about Stow’s two children. I don’t know you Bryan Stow, but hang in there. I’m praying for you and I hope these cowards get caught soon. By now, they have shaved their facial hair and are growing out their bald heads. God will bring justice to them and to you.

PEACE and GOD BLESS!!

Love and math is complicated..,

It doesn’t add up?! I don’t understand?! If you say 2+2 is 4 and I say 2+2 is 4 then it sounds to me like we are speaking the same language. If we are speaking the same language and we are agreeing with the total, then why are we both seeing a different answer. Is my four not the same as your “for”? Or is your “too” not the same as my two? Or are you adding and I’m multiplying?

Love and math can be complicated. It doesn’t have to be, but we make it complicated because what we initially see is SHOCKING!! How the heck am I going to conquer that!? Self-doubt and/or self-fulfilling prophecies get in the way.

I’ve been in love two times in my life. Well, maybe three, if infatuation is love then maybe three. It is the best feeling in the world to be in love with someone. To care about another human being and to pour your heart out in your most vulnerable state, is a skirmish I don’t ever regret acting on. Yes. It can be a battle at times, just like those math problems, but in the end so worth the effort. I say this because it only makes a person that much stronger. To express your innermost feelings, needs and desires to someone, only makes you a person of true character. Not too many will cross these lines. Not too many will be that bold. Not too many will take a leap of faith in the name of love.

Many times people will become jaded after their first love. I know because for a very long time in my 20’s I had a wall up. I lived in a bubble. I was mad at the world for what that “mothereffer” did!!! It’s not like that anymore. I can’t erase those experiences, just embrace them and move forward. They are a part of me.

I’ve been working on my stats modules this past week. Stats and I don’t speak the same language. Just like love, I will put my time and effort into this initial shock of “What the heck is this?!” in hopes that in the end we will come to an agreement. Stats will be a part of me. I will love descriptive statistics and get kicked out of Las Vegas!! This is my goal. Together you and I can make it!!

PEACE and GOD BLESS!!

Rough Waters Ahead!!

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. I tell myself things can be worse. So much worse. I think of Japan, Libya, Juarez, North Korea, those oppressed in third world countries, the homeless, the jobless, the ill….., and it can definitely be worse. I’m blessed to be in my spot. I have my health, a job, a bed to sleep-in and I’m going to school. So why am I down? This segment is tough.

We are working on conflict management in my program. I am the worse person to deal with conflict. Yes. I know. I said that about public speaking. Well this is worse.

Some people thrive in conflict situations. I really don’t want to go there. I don’t know how to deal with it. I run away. Shut-down. Turn-away. Vanish. Disappear. Stare into the oblivion until the big white elephant disappears, and we all know it never disappears. It just gets bigger and BiGgeR and BIGGER until it looks like it’s going to explode into tiny little pieces, but it never does.

This is learned behavior and I need to unlearn this behavior. I think back to when I was growing up. The way my family dealt with conflict was probably similar to how your family dealt with conflict, but nothing like what we see in today’s families.

In my house, there was a mixture of throwing “chanclas” using a fly swatter, “chicote”, belt, straight up back-hands, pulling hair, name-calling and a lot of blame, guilt and shame. I’m not sure what was worse the physical pain or the verbal abuse. As pulsating as the pain can be after the hit, it doesn’t come close to the repercussions of the name-calling and emotional trauma still evident 30 years later. This is why I do not do well in confrontations or conflict. This is why I was arrested 14 years ago (for those who don’t know that story, I’ll tell you if you take me out for Happy Hour).

Like I said I’ve been feeling down lately. I miss my relationships with my family members. There is a lot of pain and hurt from many years of jealousy, envy, pride, greed, mis-perceptions. The elephant is huge and it has made itself very comfortable in my life. The question is not how to get rid of it, but if I want to get rid of it. I just don’t know where to start.

Conflict management is not only about dealing with the problem, but about reconciliation for all parties involved in the problem. It’s about forgiving, understanding, compromising, and resolution. It’s what many of you teach your children today. Well, I never knew this growing up. I never learned this growing up.

I understand why I don’t know where to start. How do you say you’re sorry when you never learned how to say you’re sorry? How do you empathize when all you learned was to sympathize?

I have a few weeks before the next practicum. Keep me in your prayers as I try to lead this particular elephant out of my life. I’m still chomping away at the other one.

PEACE and GOD BLESS!

Eating the Elephant

In September, we started with 80 in the group. I’m sad to say there are about 40 left in the program. Their reasons? Well, there are many; some had to tend to family emergencies, others lacked financial means, and then there were those who merely did not get it. There were some who cancelled themselves out and those who were counseled out. Yup. The Department Chair had “the talk” with them. They did not fit the program or the program did not fit their style.

No one will really know why they didn’t return. Maybe it was the “Hokie, Pokie” or the Macarena. Or maybe it was all the research jargon or missed assignments. Whatever their reason, I do wish them well and they’ll be missed.

In the meantime, while they are pondering their next steps, we continue the journey and it is getting HARD!! As I finish off my assignments and begin to prepare for the March practicum (the fourth one and probably the most toughest one yet) I want to say thank you to all of you who continue to cheer for me. This is not easy.

At times, I find myself slightly above water breathing enough to get through the next reading, journal, writing assignment, or webinar. I have struggled to learn the research terminology and I have wrestled with my breakthroughs. I find myself squeezing seconds out of minutes, canceling on my friends, enduring long nights, and missing my morning runs. YES! I miss my runs!!! This is a lonely road of writing and self-reflection.

This is a huge elephant to eat and I've been told to take a bite at a time and chew slowly. I wish someone would blindfold me while I attempt this giant. A pat on the back, a high five, or just a simple “Way to go!” means the world to me right now. Who knows? Maybe that’s one of the reasons why they didn’t return. A lack of support can do anyone in when they are faced with challenges.

If you know anyone in school (any type of school) give them an encouraging word or two. It truly does make a difference.

Thank you!

PEACE & GOD BLESS

The madness begins..,

It’s almost that time of year again. The birds are chirping, the sun is brightly shining, the flowers are blossoming AND the brackets will be busting!! My favorite time of year MARCH MADNESS! 20 days until the opening round and this year we have 68 teams going to the BIG DANCE. Who will they be?

You are probably wondering to yourself, “How the heck does she have time to concentrate on basketball with everything else going on in her life?” Well I don’t. I’m already behind on my readings and I have 4 papers to write in 3 weeks. I’m up to my eyeballs with stress.

In addition, I was asked if I’m attending church amidst all this. Actually, my faith is what keeps me grounded and sane. Everyday I thank God for my current journey in life. I put my trust in God that He has me on the right path to fulfill His plan. I know I’m not perfect and I make mistakes and bad decisions everyday. My thoughts are impure and my actions are not always perfect. One thing to remember is that none of us are without sin at any given day or any given hour. Who are we to judge others without looking at ourselves and admitting our own faults?

March Madness is not the only reason why it’s my favorite time of year. Lent and Easter take place during this time; sacrifice and rebirth. A time for reflection and forgiveness. A time to nurture your faith and reflect on your purpose in life. Are you living up to your full potential? Are you practicing your beliefs? Are you valuing your life as He desired you to? These are questions I ask myself everyday. These are questions I hear Him asking me. Being Catholic is not a Sunday morning thing or a Christmas thing, or an Easter thing. Being Catholic is practicing your faith everyday through your actions and your thoughts.

I regain my energy through my faith and believing God is with me ALWAYS. Yes, March Madness is around the corner, but what that means to me is we are that much closer to Easter and celebrating His resurrection.

Yes, I am attending church, but most importantly I’m doing my best to live out my faith through reflection, prayer and good acts. It is not always easy, but I’m striving to make it a day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute lifestyle. I'm not going to ask, but you know my question.

PEACE and GOD BLESS!!

Leisure activity needed right about now...,

Dating sucks!! I’ve been doing this “Plenty of Fish” thing and I vowed to never do on-line dating again after my last date from “Fitness Singles” volunteered to eat my meal. YES! He reached over with both hands, took my plate and said, “You’re not going to eat that are you?” I was saving the candied walnuts and fruit for last!!!

Well, here I am trying the on-line dating scene, AGAIN!! I read somewhere you have to go on at least 6 dates before you actually connect with someone. Could it be because you let your guard down after 6 dates? Or you just don’t care who you’re dating anymore? Like you kind of give up on finding “that one” and you settle. Well, I’m ready to give up after 2!!

Dating is not new to me. I’m just saying it sucks!! I’ve been dating for the last four years and quite frankly I feel like giving up. First, allow me to say this…, I DO NOT NEED A MEAL TICKET. Unlike other people, I don’t date for a free meal, movie, or drinks. I live off of apples, bananas and Gatorade. I can go all day with an apple or a few crackers. It’s not a meal I need. Ok, maybe I need it, but it’s not the reason I date.

I date because I’m searching for my other half. I need a companion in my life. I want someone who I can share my life. I want someone who is spiritually grounded, emotionally stable, physically fit, and intellectually stimulating.

The date I had last night enthusiastically said, “You’re a great catch! I don’t know why you are still single, but I can see how you can be intimidating to men. You’re tall, gorgeous, smart, you’re pursuing your doctorate. Too bad for them, but good thing for me!”

“Uuuuhh, thanks..,” (I think?) Unfortunately, there wasn’t a love connection. He was cool, but he didn’t do it for me. His picture told a different story. I was expecting Matthew McConaughey and I got Owen Wilson. Faces are somewhat similar, but totally different!! I suppose if he was funny, I’d accept the crooked nose and fake teeth. YES!! He had a crooked nose and fake teeth!

I’m on to my next adventure…, OKCupid. Let’s see what treasures I’ll meet there. Yes, I’m blogging, dating, working, and doing my doctorate!!! Actually dating helps me practice the leadership skills we are learning; non-violent communication, coaching skills, action inquiry, and research. What are you doing? (BIG SMILE)

PEACE and GOD BLESS!!

Like sand through my fingers..,

It’s not easy returning from paradise and getting back into my normal routine. I had a blast these last couple of weeks; reuniting with friends during the holidays, celebrating friendships, birthdays, new babies and making new friends and memories.

I’m struggling with jumping back into my routine. Times like these challenge my energy and resilience and I find myself procrastinating to read a book or write a paper. It’s not that I don’t like the material. I am fascinated with my learnings and the “aha” moments. This is truly a great program and the books are amazing (TRUE NORTH by Bill George is a must read) and the self-assessments are eye-opening (EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves).

What is my routine you ask? Well let me share what a “normal” day would look like for me-if there is such a thing. My alarm is set for 6am. Don’t know about you, but I hate the sound of alarms. The sounds themselves cause stress and despair. Fire trucks and police car sirens scare the life out of me. Flashbacks of my college years drown my mind when I hear them.

Anyways, at 6am I struggle to roll out of my warm bed and into my gym clothes. I stumble out of my house with my gym, toiletry, lunch and book bags tied over my shoulders with a piece of fruit in one hand and my keys in the other. The good thing about living in Kern County—NO TRAFFIC! This means I’m at the gym by 7am. I’ll run 3-4 miles, stretch, and if the steam room is working I’ll spend a few minutes dehydrating myself. The steam room is the best part of going to the gym.

By 9am I’m at work checking my emails, meeting with students, working on reports, and if time permits I’ll socialize with my co-workers. Why do we need to work 8 hours? Why can’t it be just 6? I’m just saying, you know.

Normally, I’m out by 6pm, but only if I don’t have to stay for a team meeting, web conference or school assignment. If I’m out early, I’ll go to the grocery store or run some random errand. I’m normally home by 8pm which means by the time I unload my bags, reload my bags, and take a shower it’s close to 9pm. This is when I dig deep for the last bit of energy to read my books, write in my school journal, or begin to write an assignment. I start to fall asleep around 11pm and I'll do jumping jacks to keep myself awake for one more chapter, page, or just a little more note-taking.

What are the latest shows? I’m not sure……, what’s the latest news? don’t ask me……, what’s the latest gossip?.... I don’t know. What’s the latest fashion? Please take me shopping if I fall out of this category.

Please if I don’t call or text you back right away, I’m not ignoring you. If I don’t go visit, it’s not because you’re not my friend anymore. If I don’t facebook you, it’s not because I don’t like what your writing. I’m just trying to enjoy the sand as it runs through my fingers.

PEACE and GOD BLESS!